Common Bond
I spent practically the whole day with my sisters, M and V. To see their faces here in Westport is always a delight to my system; a boost to my metabolism. Although they both reside only an hour away in NYC, it is pretty difficult to align their spare time (since M is busy building her empire and V is studying for the LSAT to get into Law school to get a Law degree but doesn't plan to practice!)
I told them in a joint email this evening that today's get -together forged a stronger bond between us; it was a day of laughter, hope, expectation, and of course...way tooo much food!
Upon receiving my email, V called to say that she loves me...and M emailed back to say,
"Absolutely! The Love and food will never end!!!!"
Where would I be without my siblings? Who tells me I'm beautiful even when I am probably carrying around 20 more pounds than I should, who roll their eyes when I tell them that I've done a bad deed, who understand me better than any other being and share the same eccentric bloodline???? Who have totally inspired me to yearn for my three children...
In 2003, My husband and I tried to have our third child when my second son was about two years-old. I became pregnant soon after trying only to suffer a miscarriage 11 weeks into the pregnancy. It was devastating. You never think that it could happen to you. I thought I was fine- the miscarriage was for the better; it saved us from making life-changing decisions had the pregnancy been able to continue developing and we find out that the baby was not healthy.
I was wrong to put on a brave face. Of course, I mourned our loss. We all did. I still thought I was OK~thank God for my two healthy boys! But I was not alright..I had a huge self-combustion about a week later. I became totally irrational. I screamed at my husband, I screamed at myself. I didn't want to forget what had happened; I didn't want to put it behind me and move on. After that explosion-that huge release-after time, I slowly began to heal.
Five months after the miscarriage, I became pregnant again and soon into it suffered the same dull, burning back-ache. ----! I have been so worried and so afraid of these feelings. I have been constantly fearing another miscarriage. I never once not peered into the toilet bowl after urinating checking for signs of blood. I didn't let the paranoia get in the way of my happiness that time, however, the anxiety was there.
Then came the worst fear. The spotting. No, it couldn't be! Like a child who constantly looks under the bed at night for monsters, the spotting that I discovered, after weeks of hoping not to ever see it, jumped up and pulled me down into the toilet. I knew it was over. I called the doctor and she tried to reassure me that spotting is not a sign of miscarriage...blahblahblah...deep down inside, I knew. I just had to wait for the following morning's ultrasound to confirm it.
10:40AM Tuesday, April 13, 2004. I undressed and climbed onto the same lab chair and waited for the ultrasonic technician to confirm the baby's fate. After some prodding with her wand, she gave me a look that was reserved for moments like these, and told me what I had already feared. I didn't have any tears at that time. My second son was in his stroller looking at me. I felt as if I was fine. Devastated again, but fine. I met with my doctor afterwards. She gave me the same speech...blahblahblah...Sadly, according to miscarriage statistics, it's not a big deal. It only becomes a worry after a third miscarriage. Some 25% of pregancies end in a miscarriage before the twelfth week. OK..now I was officially a part of those numbers; I am two out of four!
The next day I went back to the hospital again for the official resolution of the pregnancy. At that moment it was to soon to say, but I was fine. I am strong. I had to be. That was not the final say. As soon as my body was ready, I knew that my husband and I would try again to have out third child. Just like the last time, the clarity and importance of having a slightly larger family seemed great and meaningful to us. I wanted our children to have wonderful siblings...friends to the end. Just like in my own family. We have always had each other to count on...to argue with; laugh with. Love and sharing. That's what it is...that's all there is. We have always been there for each other; I wanted the same for our children.
We were so very fortunate..the luckiest people in the world...when one year later, on April 19, 2005, our baby girl was delivered safe and sound and healthy and full of hair and just so beautiful. At the moment of her birth (my third and final C-section) I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of joy and completeness that I wept hysterically for the longest time. Through the shakes and shivers of the cold and sterile operating room, I felt that my life was only going to get better from that day forward. AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS.......
I told them in a joint email this evening that today's get -together forged a stronger bond between us; it was a day of laughter, hope, expectation, and of course...way tooo much food!
Upon receiving my email, V called to say that she loves me...and M emailed back to say,
"Absolutely! The Love and food will never end!!!!"
Where would I be without my siblings? Who tells me I'm beautiful even when I am probably carrying around 20 more pounds than I should, who roll their eyes when I tell them that I've done a bad deed, who understand me better than any other being and share the same eccentric bloodline???? Who have totally inspired me to yearn for my three children...
In 2003, My husband and I tried to have our third child when my second son was about two years-old. I became pregnant soon after trying only to suffer a miscarriage 11 weeks into the pregnancy. It was devastating. You never think that it could happen to you. I thought I was fine- the miscarriage was for the better; it saved us from making life-changing decisions had the pregnancy been able to continue developing and we find out that the baby was not healthy.
I was wrong to put on a brave face. Of course, I mourned our loss. We all did. I still thought I was OK~thank God for my two healthy boys! But I was not alright..I had a huge self-combustion about a week later. I became totally irrational. I screamed at my husband, I screamed at myself. I didn't want to forget what had happened; I didn't want to put it behind me and move on. After that explosion-that huge release-after time, I slowly began to heal.
Five months after the miscarriage, I became pregnant again and soon into it suffered the same dull, burning back-ache. ----! I have been so worried and so afraid of these feelings. I have been constantly fearing another miscarriage. I never once not peered into the toilet bowl after urinating checking for signs of blood. I didn't let the paranoia get in the way of my happiness that time, however, the anxiety was there.
Then came the worst fear. The spotting. No, it couldn't be! Like a child who constantly looks under the bed at night for monsters, the spotting that I discovered, after weeks of hoping not to ever see it, jumped up and pulled me down into the toilet. I knew it was over. I called the doctor and she tried to reassure me that spotting is not a sign of miscarriage...blahblahblah...deep down inside, I knew. I just had to wait for the following morning's ultrasound to confirm it.
10:40AM Tuesday, April 13, 2004. I undressed and climbed onto the same lab chair and waited for the ultrasonic technician to confirm the baby's fate. After some prodding with her wand, she gave me a look that was reserved for moments like these, and told me what I had already feared. I didn't have any tears at that time. My second son was in his stroller looking at me. I felt as if I was fine. Devastated again, but fine. I met with my doctor afterwards. She gave me the same speech...blahblahblah...Sadly, according to miscarriage statistics, it's not a big deal. It only becomes a worry after a third miscarriage. Some 25% of pregancies end in a miscarriage before the twelfth week. OK..now I was officially a part of those numbers; I am two out of four!
The next day I went back to the hospital again for the official resolution of the pregnancy. At that moment it was to soon to say, but I was fine. I am strong. I had to be. That was not the final say. As soon as my body was ready, I knew that my husband and I would try again to have out third child. Just like the last time, the clarity and importance of having a slightly larger family seemed great and meaningful to us. I wanted our children to have wonderful siblings...friends to the end. Just like in my own family. We have always had each other to count on...to argue with; laugh with. Love and sharing. That's what it is...that's all there is. We have always been there for each other; I wanted the same for our children.
We were so very fortunate..the luckiest people in the world...when one year later, on April 19, 2005, our baby girl was delivered safe and sound and healthy and full of hair and just so beautiful. At the moment of her birth (my third and final C-section) I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of joy and completeness that I wept hysterically for the longest time. Through the shakes and shivers of the cold and sterile operating room, I felt that my life was only going to get better from that day forward. AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS.......
posted by cream cheese dreams at 11:17 PM
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